‘Success is more about what you say NO to than what you say YES to.’ — Teal Swan
We’ve all been there. When a ‘yes!’ bursts from our lips before we’ve had a chance to stop it. When we agree to an event that fills us with absolute dread. For many of us, saying no is an incredibly difficult task.
Why? Humans are a social species. Our survival depends on group inclusion. This deep biological wiring paired with our experiences leads many of us to carrying a fear of saying no. We subconsciously associate it with being rejected, losing opportunity, or feeling alienated. We connect saying no, to confrontation or conflict. We fear being being judged or considered uncaring, rude or even selfish.
Yet, often when we can’t say no, we set ourselves up for failure.
Here, the commitment of our lives becomes skewed towards others rather than ourselves, and we simply cannot (healthily) keep this up. Even when well-intentioned, our selfless decisions start to take a negative toll on our bodies, relationships and lives.
It’s important to understand that every time we say yes at our own detriment, we’re essentially saying no to our own priorities, and to ourselves. When we contemplate this profoundly simple notion and make choices from this space – our entire lives can begin to shift in beautiful ways.
If saying no is a challenge for you, you aren’t alone. Great news though: all that’s required, is practice. Like any new skill, it takes commitment, intention and work. This may feel a little strange at first, but over time you’ll find yourself more naturally expressing your truth. Saying no when appropriate will become you won’t have to think about! Here are some tips.
1. Tune into your body
On a fundamental level, saying no is about listening to your intuition. It’s about standing within your truth and living in alignment with your own unique path.
When you’re next asked to give your time or energy to something, take a moment to tune in, and notice your body’s reaction. Sometimes a request can suddenly make you feel tired or drained. You might experience an odd feeling in our stomach, a headache, or some other unusual physical symptom. Our bodies often reveal the truth of how we feel, before we mentally register a shift. Our bodies will always send us signals when things are not right, we just have to take the time to listen. Tune into these signals, trust them, and let them guide your actions.
2. Set healthy boundaries `
Part of saying no is about accepting that not everyone will always be happy with every decision you make. You can offer explanations as to why you’re saying no, but remember you don’t need to repeatedly justify your decisions. Taking care of yourself and your happiness is more than reason enough.
We might feel as though we’re letting our loved ones down when we say no. But consider this in reverse. When it comes to your friends, are you fine with them putting their own needs first and saying no, if they feel necessary? Of course you are! Similarly, our loved ones want us to be happy, whether or not it’s at the forefront of their minds at the time of request.
Plus, boundaries are a necessary and normal part of any healthy relationship. In each one of our relationships, it is up to us to show others how we want or expect to be treated. Boundaries are simply a way to reflect these needs – and saying no is essential to setting these boundaries in the first place.
3. Take your time
If you think about it, it’s extremely rare for any questions or invitations to actually require an immediate answer. This is amazing news for those of us whose first reactions are often a cheery ‘sure,’ followed by a wave of regret. If this is you, it is so important to practice taking your time before responding. An amazing way to do this, is to train yourself with a key phrase for when you are put on the spot. For example, ‘let me have a think.’ With statements such as these, we deflect the pressure of the moment, creating space to make a conscious decision from a calm state of mind, later on.
4. Avoid stories
If you’re asked to do something that you simply cannot or do not want to do – don’t feel like you have to make excuses. To reiterate: there is no need to justify yourself, or apologise for where you are. Break the habit of conjuring elaborate stories, or even delving into the truth of the matter with someone – unless you actually want to. More often than not, people don’t want (or need) your reasons: they just want to know whether or not you are on board.
Generally, simply saying no, is enough. By creating a narrative around your answer, you begin to disempower yourself and your right to say no. Plus, this often just leads to a cycle of more requests, more excuses, and general discomfort down the road.
5. Honour yourself
There are two different ways that we can say no. The first way is to say no from a place of resisting something unwanted. The second way to say no, is in a way that allows you to flow in the direction of what is wanted. When we say no in this second way, we create space for new positive elements to enter our lives. By saying no, we are essentially saying yes to something else. We are saying yes to ourselves, and to the truth of who we are in the present moment.
For this reason, owning our right to say ‘no’ can be a beautiful thing. It’s exercising our conscious freewill — a valuable skill that is absolutely necessary for living an empowered life.
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If the above speaks to you, or if honouring yourself is still a relatively new practice… we would love to kick-start your self-love journey and have you here with us at Happy Buddha!
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Note: We first uploaded this article in 2020, but have recently edited it!
